Monday, August 20, 2007

You might be a Calvinist if....

I'm sure this has been done elsewhere before....in all likelihood, it's been done better as well. Nevertheless, what follows is a partial list of things that might be indicators that you're a tad too wrapped up in being a Calvinist:
  • Supralapsarianism is a word that you try to work into at least 5 conversations every day.
  • You think they were too easy on Servetus.
  • If Macanudo were to come out with a CHS brand cigar, you wouldn’t hesitate to introduce a new vice into your life.
  • Every time a synergist mockingly says, “Well, I guess I was just predestined to believe in the complete free-will of man”, you’re head nearly explodes.
  • You consider Geneva to be the Holy Land.
  • You once took a trip through all of Europe, yet the only pictures you took were of the Metropolitan Tabernacle and the burial places Luther and Spurgeon.
  • You consider Charles Finney to be the single most sinister figure in American history.
  • If someone were to write a book entitled, “The Axis of Evil: Pelagius, Arminius, and Finney”, you would spare no expense in order to obtain an advance copy.
  • You’ve got 8 sons and all of them are named after different famous Calvinists throughout history.
  • All 8 of your sons are named “John”.
  • When your daughter was born you and your wife had the biggest argument of your marriage. For some reason she just wouldn’t go for the name “Augustina”.
  • Last Thanksgiving your brother began telling a story about his daughter’s salvation. He got the following words out: “During the invitation I went up with little Abby and led her in the “sinner’s prayer”, and….” At that point you punched your brother right in the mouth. You later said that you had blacked out after hearing the words “invitation” and “sinner’s prayer” so closely together.
  • You know that July 10, 2009 marks John Calvin’s 500th birthday. Even though you don’t know your kids birthdates, you know this.
  • You once claimed that “John MacArthur could beat the tar out of Jerry Fallwell, Billy Graham, and Rick Warren with one hand tied behind his back”. You weren’t trying to be funny….
  • You don’t consider this list to be even remotely humorous.

6 comments:

Marty Colborn said...

Ellis,

CHS cigars? Hmmmmm.

MC

Ellis Murphree said...

Marty,
In case you're not familiar with what I'm talking about (I suspect you are :) ), check out this link.

Ellis Murphree said...

By the way, be sure to right click it and select "Open in New Window".

Marty Colborn said...

Ellis,

Yes, I am familiar with the link. How many people do you suppose would buy those CHS cigars if we started a cigar company? Perhaps we could advertise them on the Spurgeon Archive.

Also, a comment on "supralapsarianism." I had heard the word before, but not much. I looked it up in the dictionary to find out what it meant, and realized that I am familiar with the doctrine, if not the name itself.

Not a comment on people who believe in it but simply a poor jest that I couldn't resist: Isn't it interesting that "supralapsarianism" ends in "arianism?"

MC

Lyndyloo said...

hehehe!!

Steve Griffin said...

Great list! Here's my own list ("You Might Be An Arminian..") which I published a couple of years ago.

Enjoy and Happy New Year!

http://revtheruminator.blogspot.com/2012/05/you-might-be-arminian-other-such.html