You might be a Calvinist if....

I'm sure this has been done elsewhere before....in all likelihood, it's been done better as well. Nevertheless, what follows is a partial list of things that might be indicators that you're a tad too wrapped up in being a Calvinist:

• Supralapsarianism is a word that you try to work into at least 5 conversations every day.

• You think they were too easy on Servetus.

• If Macanudo were to come out with a CHS brand cigar, you wouldn’t hesitate to introduce a new vice into your life.

• Every time a synergist mockingly says, “Well, I guess I was just predestined to believe in the complete free-will of man”, you’re head nearly explodes.

• You consider Geneva to be the Holy Land.

• You once took a trip through all of Europe, yet the only pictures you took were of the Metropolitan Tabernacle and the burial places Luther and Spurgeon.

• You consider Charles Finney to be the single most sinister figure in American history.

• If someone were to write a book entitled, “The Axis of Evil: Pelagius, Arminius, and Finney”, you would spare no expense in order to obtain an advance copy.

• You’ve got 8 sons and all of them are named after different famous Calvinists throughout history.

• All 8 of your sons are named “John”.

• When your daughter was born you and your wife had the biggest argument of your marriage. For some reason she just wouldn’t go for the name “Augustina”.

• Last Thanksgiving your brother began telling a story about his daughter’s salvation. He got the following words out: “During the invitation I went up with little Abby and led her in the “sinner’s prayer”, and….” At that point you punched your brother right in the mouth. You later said that you had blacked out after hearing the words “invitation” and “sinner’s prayer” so closely together.

• You know that July 10, 2009 marks John Calvin’s 500th birthday. Even though you don’t know your kids birthdates, you know this.

• You once claimed that “John MacArthur could beat the tar out of Jerry Fallwell, Billy Graham, and Rick Warren with one hand tied behind his back”. You weren’t trying to be funny….

• You don’t consider this list to be even remotely humorous.