Just call me "sir", thank you....

To Whom It May Concern:

Frankly I’m annoyed. It seems like every waitress, convenience store attendant, grocery store cashier, etc., that I come across feels the need to call me “sweety”, “honey”, “hon”, or “sweetheart”…well, except for the guys. I’m unbelievably thankful for that….but I digress.

Now if every one of these people who choose to use these affectionate terms when speaking to me were 70 years old or older perhaps it wouldn’t bother me that much. For that matter, if I was 70 years old or older it probably wouldn’t bother me that much, either. The problem is, however, that most of these people seem to be around my age and many of them appear to be younger! This bothers me more than a little!

Now, all humility aside for a moment, I fully understand the involuntary flirting reaction that many women have when they first meet me. It’s a curse that I’ve come to grips with over the course of my 36 years. These good lucks are indeed a curse at times, but I manage to cope with it. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking for your sympathy here, nor do I expect the average person to understand my plight. After all, it would be rude of me to ask for sympathy simply because I am in the “upper crust”, as it were, when it comes to looks. I mean, that would be like a multi-millionaire moaning to the impoverished about his inability to find new things on which to spend his millions. No, I’m not asking for you to feel sorry for me because of these dashing good lucks, and undeniable charm; I’m just asking for a little understanding. Not just understanding, but. to those of you who work in these professions, I’m asking that you exercise a bit of constraint…..you are service industry PROFESSIONALS, for Pete’s sake – ACT LIKE IT!!!!

There are several alternatives I could think of to calling me some pet name that I prefer only me wife call me by. For instance, after I’ve ordered my low-cal veggie burger with asparagus spears at the local diner, drive-in, or dive, instead of saying, “Will that be all, my wittle honey-bunny?”, you could simply say, “Thank you for your order, kind sir. I can tell by the fact that you went with a diet soda that you take care of yourself. You seem like such a nice man….could I interest you in a complimentary hot fudge sundae to top off this exquisite meal?”

See how easy that is? You got a positive message across to me without resorting to using some pet name straight from a 50’s-era diner; I got a free hot fudge sundae; and you end up with a great tip! To tell you truth, if you just called me “sir” rather than “sugar buns”, it would probably get you a better tip…even without the additional pucker power of the free ice cream.

Now obviously I write some of this in jest……I would never – and I mean never – go to any restaurant and order a veggie burger with asparagus spears. Aside from that, I’m dead serious. STOP TALKING TO ME LIKE ONE OF US IS IN OUR 80’s!!!!!!

Sincerely,

Ellis “sugar lips”, “honeybun”, “sweetie pie”, “apple dumplin’”, "schmooky bear" Murphree